The Lament

The Lament

Psalm 102
A prayer of an afflicted man. When he is faint and pours out his lament before the LORD.
1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.
2 Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
3 For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.
4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food.
5 Because of my loud groaning
I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like a desert owl,
like an owl among the ruins.
7 I lie awake; I have become
like a bird alone on a roof.
8 All day long my enemies taunt me;
those who rail against me use my name as a curse.
9 For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears
10 because of your great wrath,
for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.
11 My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.
12 But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever;
your renown endures through all generations.
13 You will arise and have compassion on Zion,
for it is time to show favor to her;
the appointed time has come.
14 For her stones are dear to your servants;
her very dust moves them to pity.
15 The nations will fear the name of the LORD,
all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.

My Lament...

I will not accept sympathy, empathy, apology in response to this lament. I do not to seek pity or praise or accolade. I seek only to lament.

I ache, my soul aches in the knowing that I am myself no longer. Who is this woman, O LORD? This shell emerging through months of pain? Her soul aches, that which remains cries out in pain, anguish, misery. In a life of deep comfort you raised me; as David, calm on a hill with his sheep. Occasionally battling small trials – a hungry wolf, thieves in the night – manageable beasts.

Then one day Goliath stepped onto my path. Only this Goliath will not die at the hand of a single stone. Instead I am the one bombarded with stones – trial upon suffering upon agony.

“But no defeat!” you would have me say. Do you know defeat?

Have you held her hand as she guides you through hospital visits and doctors’ calls and blood draws and seizures and sleepless nights?

Have you seen her face reflected in your own as you continue to loose beautiful brown locks and brows?

Have you heard her voice mocking you when you cannot finish simple tasks? When you cannot carry your baby for very long? When you tell your husband “don’t touch me” because medication has made your skin crawl? I have met defeat, though I am not defeated.

I cry out for the life I once lived. Each day different from the last, enjoyable, mostly brightened and fresh faced. Now, I am stripped, emptied of much I once held too close. I am bare.

But as David laments, I lament and the Spirit turns my heart to praise. For I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and the great Savior intercedes for me to the Heavenly Father. The LORD strips me and exposes me to the Truth of His Sovereign Will and Goodness. My trials, pain and suffering do not pass. They do not leave me and my agony continues. But with thanksgiving and sacrificial praise I come to the Father, naked and exposed, seeking all He provides – which is all I shall need.