A Confession

A confession to God and the world.

 EJB September 20, 2013

My sin addictions.  It is true, that in this life we are addicts, in one form or another, because sin makes us addicts to something, to an idol in our life that we worship.  If we do not worship the Lord our God with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our mind, and with all our strength then we worship something else.  We idolize something else, and the addiction occurs.  Even a good can become an addiction.

I confess my sin addictions before God and man.  I am addicted to the past.  The good in the past or perhaps what I perceive as the good in the past.  I look back over and over again, yearning for what is behind.   Looking back to see, like Lot’s wife…hoping there was something there that I can bring forward to me in the present.  The present which is difficult and full of strife and hardship and isn't what I perceive the past to be.  Summiting a 14,060 foot peak on the Continental Divide, skiing down black runs at Winter Park and double blacks at Vail.  Looking across a vast expanse at Grand Targhee, the beautiful snow surrounding me, the quiet swish of skis, great mountain peaks far off in the distance.  I reach back into my past and hear incredible music playing, me singing, the smells of Jameson and Budweiser and buds of another kind.  I see, hear, smell only the promise of happiness.  Even in the library at law school or the high school cafeteria, I anticipate only good grades and cheerful chatter. 

This is my sin of seeking the past for the present.  It is not just looking back at the good old days, it is a deep lust for my image of what was to be what is.  And that is the idolization in my behavior.  That is an addiction to what “was”.  And I am confessing my sin now and asking forgiveness and praying for a renewed mind, soul, spirit, heart where my aim is to seek Jesus’ face in the present, now.  To find my solace and joy in Him alone; my beauty, my comfort, my happiness, my love, my desire in Christ alone.  For like the lilies of the field and the birds of the air we are here for but a season.  But unlike the plants of the field and animals of the ground, God so deeply loves us that he seeks to be one with us, to know us, to love us, to lead us now, eternally.

My second addiction.  It is a deep desire to seek out my plan for the future.  I am grasping for a mere thread of what would be my plan for the future, while I know the remaining strings of that same rope are pulling me under the ocean.  Meanwhile, Jesus full of Grace, stands upon the water saying “Peter (Elizabeth), take my hand.”  I pick and choose from the future and say, “this is what I want, this is where I want to be, this is what I want to be doing, going, seeing, hearing, attending, feeling, touching, tasting, growing in, learning. Me, Me, ME, Mine, Mine, MINE, Now, Now, NOW!”  It is a tragic formation of my thoughts, an addiction to the opposite end of the spectrum – an impossible future, my picture of it.  No seizures, no health problems, a perfect marriage, no crises, a beautiful home with beautiful things set beautifully on the table. 

I sin, I idolize my own perfectionist idea of how the future should look and how it should look now.  But Jesus reminds me, there is a future, with a great table, beautifully adorned, and there will be a mansion prepared just for me where there will be no more mourning, no more crying, no more sickness, where He will wipe away every tear.  Where an apple will taste more like any apple I have ever eaten, and the truffle chips at La Belle Vie with a glass of Champagne will pale in comparison to the choicest fruit prepared at the marriage supper of the Lamb.  Oh what a fool I am to be addicted to grasping at the future for my own fool’s plans.  Oh, to sin so ravenously as to think that my way is better than His, to think that I have a better plan.  Oh, forgive me Father.  And thank you for forgiving me. 

May I run to the Bridegroom, stay safely in His arms, look upon His face, allow Him to presently wipe away each tear, and enter into my heart so fully that these sins will disintegrate to dust, be washed away, and return no more. 

Ex Nihilo, Captain Crunch and the words

Reading in my Genesis commentary this morning while chomping on a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries, I hit a profound statement from Wolfgang Capito.  “If a reader who has any sort of confidence in the Scriptures should contemplate the ordering of God’s word…it will quickly be recognized that God’s strength and power are infinite. Then one will also understand that this universe and all its parts depend on his will and word.  Once persuaded that everything was created ex nihilo (out of nothing) by the Father’s coeternal word, we will conclude that this one and the same [Father] keeps all things in existence as far as he wishes.”  I paused here, thinking intently and got up to get more cereal.  If God, who created time, the whole universe, created the earth and everything in it – Out Of Nothing, ex nihilo – if these immense procedures required the word of God then all requires the word of God.  As I stood, tears welled up in my eyes.  For those of you who don’t believe, please believe that I believe.  As I struggle and struggle reading this commentary on the beginning made me think of me.  That may sound silly but that was the Lord.  He started it, he will finish it – no matter what it is.  And this brings me peace, truly.  If our Great God can bring into existence the sun and mountains (my favorite) and whales and dolphins (Lucia’s favorite) out of nothing then he can walk me through each and every single step of my struggle because he keeps all things and this Elizabeth in existence through his words. 

Back to eating Captain not so Crunchy and reading….EJB

Spiritual Initiative

John 5:1-9
The Healing at the Pool

1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b] 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

Spiritual Initiative

In his February 16 entry in the book My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers talks about “spiritual initiative” from God. As Oswald Chambers states, “God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome.”

When I read this devotional, I was reminded of the story in John 5 regarding the invalid sitting by the pool. In this context, “invalid” meant weakness, illness, infirmity – essentially one with disease or sickness; a cripple. In my mind, I hear Jesus’ voice to the invalid filled with intense spiritual initiative. “Do you WANT to get well???” Perhaps others hear it very differently and I hear it as the Lord needs me to hear it. As I need the initiative.

In response, I hear the invalid’s voice with my tone of voice when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning; whining, tired, “Sir, I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

Jesus responds, (maybe yells?), “ GET UP!!! Pick up your mat and walk!” The Bible says “At once” the man was cured, fixed, healed. At once, the invalid, crippled, diseased, weak, ill man picked up his mat and stood up and walked away for the first time in THIRTY EIGHT YEARS.

After Thirty Eight Years this man stood up and walked away from this spot where he had festered and perhaps even allowed himself to curl up into a cocoon of self centered lack of initiative, spiritual or otherwise.

Jesus came along already knowing this man’s heart and story. “Do you want to get well?!?!?!” I see exclamation points and extra question marks when I hear Him. Often when He asks me: “Elizabeth, Do You Want To Get Well? GET UP! Take your medicine, drink some water, eat a banana. Better yet, Read My Word! Talk to Me! Rest, Seek Peace and Joy.”

Some of us live Thirty Eight years or longer as walking, talking invalids, not as one lying around a healing pool waiting to be lowered into it. We walk with our hearts broken, our fists clenched and our stomachs tightened. If by chance above that noise we hear Jesus say, through the voice of another or through the Holy Spirit, “Do you want to get well?” Our heart or fists or stomach may give an excuse like the invalid – “I have no on to help me into the pool.”

But Jesus knows, and tells us now – He provides us with Spiritual Initiative. As Oswald Chambers put it “Buck Up!” Jesus says something different to each of us, I believe He speaks to some of us now.

Hearts Broken

Perhaps we did this to ourselves…for Twenty Eight years. We hurt, ashamed by past decision, recollections of things done or undone. Our hearts ache. When Christ says gently to us and our broken hearts, “Do you want to get well?” We often act with unworthy, shameful attitudes, “I cannot get well, there is no one to fix such a black, hard heart that hurts so much it almost no longer feels. We reject the idea that getting “well” is even within our grasp for who could love such a broken creature. Or perhaps, we lie and say we’re fine, we’ve mostly moved on and forgiven ourselves for stupid decisions and errors, for nights barely remembered. No need for redemption.

Jesus says to us, gently, perfectly, “Get up. I will remove from you your heart of stone which has grown hard over these years and give you a beautiful heart of flesh. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all that blackness and hardness you were talking about. Oh, Arise, my dear loved one.” Spiritual Initiative for the broken hearted, even those of us who have broken our own hearts.

Fists Clenched

Anger. Thirty One maybe Thirty Two. I am mad as hell. A deep root of bitterness has grown or many roots, my fists have been clenched for a long time. Parents divorcing at a critical time in my life. Cruel school mates. Mean words or deeds from a sibling. The death of a loved one. Perhaps, infinitely, infinitely worse. Without forgiveness, the root of bitterness has grown. And as the invalid sat in the same position for Thirty Eight years he grew into place, he became almost immovable (at least in his mind), so the anger indwelt and my clenched fists grew into the ground. Now Jesus asks, “Do you want to get well?”

So I Yell back, I am mad as hell. “No one was there! Where was he? Where was she? Where were you? I had no father! I had no mother! He hurt me! She hurt me! This is outrageous. What do you know?”

Jesus says, “Get up. Pick up your fists, better yet, unclench them and walk.” With Spiritual Initiative, and in an act of praise as a sacrifice, I raise those opened fists and we worship the Lord. Thank God that He provided the initiative to unclench those fists.

Stomach Tightened

Forty Three years. Everything awry. No direction. Uncertainty. So you go every way. You attempt to please all your pleasures but your stomach ever tightens and you are like the push me-pull you. You find a path and get caught on a new one. Like a spider’s web, you are always on a new path and always followed by something unpleasant, unhappy. Your stomach constantly in chaos, forty three years of agony and defeat. You are the invalid but you walk, sometimes, and work, sometimes, and function, sometimes. What is your “invalidity”? Sometimes it is addiction, or seclusion, or painful attention seeking. But always there is a tightening in your stomach.

When Jesus says “Do you want to get well?” you say “No one points me in the right way to go” or “I am having fun, no thank you.” You lie. Jesus knows and He aches for you. He says, with Spiritual Initiative, “Get up. Come, follow me. My love will support you, my consolation will bring joy to your soul.”



After Thirty Eight Years the invalid got up, picked up his mat and walked! How long will we sit with our broken hearts, our clenched fists, our stomachs tightened? Oh, that we may willingly receive Spiritual Initiative from Christ and infinitely greater, that we may we receive Christ Himself . . . “Do you want to get well?”

“Wake Up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you!”
ephesians 5:14

The Lament

The Lament

Psalm 102
A prayer of an afflicted man. When he is faint and pours out his lament before the LORD.
1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.
2 Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
3 For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.
4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food.
5 Because of my loud groaning
I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like a desert owl,
like an owl among the ruins.
7 I lie awake; I have become
like a bird alone on a roof.
8 All day long my enemies taunt me;
those who rail against me use my name as a curse.
9 For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears
10 because of your great wrath,
for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.
11 My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.
12 But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever;
your renown endures through all generations.
13 You will arise and have compassion on Zion,
for it is time to show favor to her;
the appointed time has come.
14 For her stones are dear to your servants;
her very dust moves them to pity.
15 The nations will fear the name of the LORD,
all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.

My Lament...

I will not accept sympathy, empathy, apology in response to this lament. I do not to seek pity or praise or accolade. I seek only to lament.

I ache, my soul aches in the knowing that I am myself no longer. Who is this woman, O LORD? This shell emerging through months of pain? Her soul aches, that which remains cries out in pain, anguish, misery. In a life of deep comfort you raised me; as David, calm on a hill with his sheep. Occasionally battling small trials – a hungry wolf, thieves in the night – manageable beasts.

Then one day Goliath stepped onto my path. Only this Goliath will not die at the hand of a single stone. Instead I am the one bombarded with stones – trial upon suffering upon agony.

“But no defeat!” you would have me say. Do you know defeat?

Have you held her hand as she guides you through hospital visits and doctors’ calls and blood draws and seizures and sleepless nights?

Have you seen her face reflected in your own as you continue to loose beautiful brown locks and brows?

Have you heard her voice mocking you when you cannot finish simple tasks? When you cannot carry your baby for very long? When you tell your husband “don’t touch me” because medication has made your skin crawl? I have met defeat, though I am not defeated.

I cry out for the life I once lived. Each day different from the last, enjoyable, mostly brightened and fresh faced. Now, I am stripped, emptied of much I once held too close. I am bare.

But as David laments, I lament and the Spirit turns my heart to praise. For I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and the great Savior intercedes for me to the Heavenly Father. The LORD strips me and exposes me to the Truth of His Sovereign Will and Goodness. My trials, pain and suffering do not pass. They do not leave me and my agony continues. But with thanksgiving and sacrificial praise I come to the Father, naked and exposed, seeking all He provides – which is all I shall need.

Therefore Do Not Worry About Tomorrow

Matthew 6:25-34

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them; Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour of his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and Hs righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

There is much for me to worry about these days. Fear wells up inside me and I indeed worry about tomorrow. I know other young people who are currently battling cancer or have battled it and I am sure worry and fear have risen up in the pits of their stomachs as they have in mine.

But Jesus tells us in the Matthew passage not to worry about tomorrow. I marvel at this because Jesus knew tomorrow, Jesus knew His future included the cup of the wrath of God being poured out on Him at the Cross. Jesus knew that He would be separated from God the Father and the Holy Spirit for the first time in infinity when He breathed His last on Calvary. How could Jesus, who knew the agony ahead, tell us not to worry about tomorrow? When He knew what eventual tomorrow would bring to Himself?

Sometimes on this journey God breaks down the phrase, “do not worry about tomorrow” to “do not worry about the next moment.” It seems impossible for me to not worry about the next seizure, the next symptom, the next step. Other times, it is the most difficult task no to worry about the far-off tomorrow. Will I be able to work again? Will these seizures diminish? Will I be around to watch my daughter grow into a woman? Just writing these questions causes worry in my heart.

And so, our great Lord has brought this verse to me time and time again. ‘Elizabeth, do not worry about the next second, hour, tomorrow.’ This word from Him often is followed by a reminder that He is sovereign Lord overall, and He is good.

In the preceding verses in Matthew 6, Jesus speaks about how the Lord provides food for the birds of the air and beautiful attire for the lilies of the field. He says, “If this is how God cares for birds and flowers, will He not take care of you, Are you not of much more value than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” The Lord is indeed both sovereign and good.

And so, when the worry rises, when the fear takes hold, I am learning to open my hands and heart and give these worries and fears to the God of the universe.

The other evening, when I could not sleep, as I cannot now, I was drawn to Psalm 31. In the Psalm, David laments, he cries out to the Father: “But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God. My times are in Your hands.” (Psalm 31:14-15)

Jesus knew the tomorrow of pain and sacrifice, but He also knew the tomorrow of the resurrection, “for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2. When He would rise, the Victor over death and the payment for our sins. And with this blessed knowledge planted in my heart through faith and true power of the Holy Spirit, I will not worry about tomorrow. And so, I rest, as I imagine Jesus did in the knowledge that my times are in God’s hands. Every moment, second, tomorrow, year; every step is in His precious, perfect, sovereign and good hands.

Epiblogue (that’s an epilogue in blog format)
I wrote this blog about two weeks ago. Since that time I have been to the emergency room twice, once for an allergic reaction to a seizure medication and the other for dehydration. I have stopped taking one of my seizure medications which led to six seizures in the past eight days. I have a constant pre-seizure like feeling in my right arm which sometimes shoots down my right leg. I have contracted pink eye. Generally, I feel bombarded with more worry rather than less. It is difficult for me to post this blog without being brutally honest, that worry and fear hedge me in on every side. I am exhausted with these feelings and most of the words that come from my lips or arise in my thoughts are prayers. This seems like a dark season within a dark season. But God reminds me that He is the Maker – He made the sun, moon, stars and He made me. He knows the inner workings of the grey matter in my head and the inner workings of my soul and spirit. And He is good and sovereign Lord of all.

Honestly,
EJB

Be Strong and Courageous

Joshua 1:6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

What does it mean to be afraid even with the sure understanding that God is with you?

Having a seizure for the first time was the most frightening experience. A total fear gripped me even as my brain misfired and malfunctioned. I couldn't control my right side - my arm and leg shook, my vision was completely disoriented, my heart raced. I felt as if I was frozen and couldn't move. I knew something was very wrong. My neuro-oncologist warned me that seizures were likely - a 50/50 chance of happening due to the tumor. There would be no warning, no call to attention, it would just occur, if it occured at all.

When it happened I was immobilized and filled with great fear.

God is sovereign and that includes timing, though He is outside of time. That first day I was in the car, with Lucia and had just pulled into the Walmart parking lot to pick up a friend. The seizure hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew I needed to park and get help immediately and was able to do so. God's perfect timing. I was able to call Chris who came to the car shortly thereafter. When Chris arrived he didn't know what was happened. "Chris, something is wrong. I need an ambulance. Is Lucia okay?" Chris reassured me that Lulu was just fine and he ran into Walmart. Somewhere inside he asked for a call to 911 and again, in God's perfect timing, an EMT was in the same vicinity. This wonderful man came out to the car and started talking to me, comforting me until the ambulance arrived.
For the next hour and a half, until I went unconscious or was too drugged to know better, I thought I was dying. I was seizing pretty severely for quite sometime. I remember saying "Please Jesus" over and over again. I was seeking my Savior in my darkest hour.
When Joshua was sent by the Lord into the promised land, God told him at least three times "Be Strong and Very Courageous". This five word command must have been told to Joshua because he was feeling weak and very afraid. In an odd way I am comforted in knowing that the man God put in charge of His people, needed such strong words of encouragement. I laugh because thinking about the people in the Bible, many need such words. God, Jesus, the Angels say - Do Not Be Afraid - over and over again. To Joshua, to Mary, to Joseph and so many others. And so, when my Pastor presented these words to me as I lay in the hospital - Be Strong and Very Courageous - I latched on. They continue to be daily stepping stones for me in this darkest of hours. EJB

What have you done?

None can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?"

34At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever,

for his dominion is an everlasting dominion,
and his kingdom endures from generation to generation;
35all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,
and he does according to his will among the host of heaven
and among the inhabitants of the earth;
and none can stay his hand
or say to him, "What have you done?"
Daniel 4:34-35

Nebuchadnezzar had it all. God gave him wealth, power, influence, he was a king with everything at his fingertips. The prophet Daniel told Nebuchadnezzar “You have become great and strong; your greatness has grown until it reaches the sky, and your dominion extends to distant parts of the earth”. But Neb was warned that if he failed to acknowledge the Lord’s blessing and heaven’s rule in his life all would be taken from him.
And all was taken from him, Neb proclaimed his own greatness, his own splendor and his own hand in the majesty of his kingdom. Before the words left his lips Nebuchadnezzar fell into insanity, he crawled on the ground, ate grass like cattle, and was driven away from his people for many years. The passage above from Daniel quotes Nebuchadnezzar as he is lifted from his insanity. He acknowledges the Lord’s hand in all things. Nebuchadnezzar, who had it all and then had nothing, declared that no one can ask the Lord, “What have you done?”
Job was another man who had everything and then had nothing. He too stated, “Behold, he (the Lord) snatches away; who can turn him back? Who will say to him, ‘What are you doing?’” Job 9:12.

In some ways at this time I feel like Nebuchadnezzar or Job. God has blessed me with all I could ever have asked for: a great family, an education, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and a sweet child. I cannot fathom a more contented life. As Nebuchadnezzar stated, I too state, I am contented and prosperous. But now I am struck with this illness, this…cancer. When this passage was brought to my attention I embraced it because we cannot ask the Lord, I AM, “what have you done?” Or “what are you doing?” His control knows no limits, there is no boundary for his step, so how can we sit back and ask him to justify? I don’t mean to say that I haven’t asked “Why?” a thousand times already; or been uncertain as to His plan for this season of my life, of our lives. I have and I do. But in acknowledging that He is I AM, I feel comfort and security. God as I AM holds no restraint. It means He fulfills every thing. I AM fills me with great hope, joy, thankfulness. I AM means I am in control, I am every present, I am constant and unchanging, I am fulfillment, I am love. God being all things and everything takes the burden out of cancer, out of the fight. For if God is with me, if the great I AM is on my side, than I am already victorious and I have strength that knows no measure. To be honest, this concept is a daily challenge to embrace because it is hard to be human and suffering. But moment by moment, minute by minute I try to remember that the great I AM is with me and I stay my voice from asking, what have you done?


The brain tumor group at the University of Minnesota spent last Monday discussing the biopsy results and what therapy they would suggest. As you have already seen the pathologist determined that my initially diagnosed benign Grade 2 glioma is now a Grade 3, meaning malignancy…meaning cancer. The dreaded word passed my lips on Monday when the neuro-oncologist met with Jonathan and I to suggest treatment options. Right now we await a second opinion from a second pathologist – to see if two really smart people reach the same conclusion about what the cells look like and what that means for me. The treatment suggested includes radiation and chemotherapy. Both would last six weeks, with me taking a chemo pill once a day for 42 days, and receiving radiation therapy 5 days a week. Mostly the doctors expect me to be very tired by the end of it all, but with a little help (or a lot!) from friends and family I should emerge in a better position. It may be a long road ahead of us, and right now we just feel really weird about the whole situation. But God is good and I remain filled with His peace which surpasses all understanding. More to come…With Love, Elizabeth