The Lament
Psalm 102
A prayer of an afflicted man. When he is faint and pours out his lament before the LORD.
1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.
2 Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
3 For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.
4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food.
5 Because of my loud groaning
I am reduced to skin and bones.
6 I am like a desert owl,
like an owl among the ruins.
7 I lie awake; I have become
like a bird alone on a roof.
8 All day long my enemies taunt me;
those who rail against me use my name as a curse.
9 For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears
10 because of your great wrath,
for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.
11 My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.
12 But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever;
your renown endures through all generations.
13 You will arise and have compassion on Zion,
for it is time to show favor to her;
the appointed time has come.
14 For her stones are dear to your servants;
her very dust moves them to pity.
15 The nations will fear the name of the LORD,
all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.
My Lament...
I will not accept sympathy, empathy, apology in response to this lament. I do not to seek pity or praise or accolade. I seek only to lament.
I ache, my soul aches in the knowing that I am myself no longer. Who is this woman, O LORD? This shell emerging through months of pain? Her soul aches, that which remains cries out in pain, anguish, misery. In a life of deep comfort you raised me; as David, calm on a hill with his sheep. Occasionally battling small trials – a hungry wolf, thieves in the night – manageable beasts.
Then one day Goliath stepped onto my path. Only this Goliath will not die at the hand of a single stone. Instead I am the one bombarded with stones – trial upon suffering upon agony.
“But no defeat!” you would have me say. Do you know defeat?
Have you held her hand as she guides you through hospital visits and doctors’ calls and blood draws and seizures and sleepless nights?
Have you seen her face reflected in your own as you continue to loose beautiful brown locks and brows?
Have you heard her voice mocking you when you cannot finish simple tasks? When you cannot carry your baby for very long? When you tell your husband “don’t touch me” because medication has made your skin crawl? I have met defeat, though I am not defeated.
I cry out for the life I once lived. Each day different from the last, enjoyable, mostly brightened and fresh faced. Now, I am stripped, emptied of much I once held too close. I am bare.
But as David laments, I lament and the Spirit turns my heart to praise. For I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and the great Savior intercedes for me to the Heavenly Father. The LORD strips me and exposes me to the Truth of His Sovereign Will and Goodness. My trials, pain and suffering do not pass. They do not leave me and my agony continues. But with thanksgiving and sacrificial praise I come to the Father, naked and exposed, seeking all He provides – which is all I shall need.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Therefore Do Not Worry About Tomorrow
Matthew 6:25-34
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them; Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour of his life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and Hs righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
There is much for me to worry about these days. Fear wells up inside me and I indeed worry about tomorrow. I know other young people who are currently battling cancer or have battled it and I am sure worry and fear have risen up in the pits of their stomachs as they have in mine.
But Jesus tells us in the Matthew passage not to worry about tomorrow. I marvel at this because Jesus knew tomorrow, Jesus knew His future included the cup of the wrath of God being poured out on Him at the Cross. Jesus knew that He would be separated from God the Father and the Holy Spirit for the first time in infinity when He breathed His last on Calvary. How could Jesus, who knew the agony ahead, tell us not to worry about tomorrow? When He knew what eventual tomorrow would bring to Himself?
Sometimes on this journey God breaks down the phrase, “do not worry about tomorrow” to “do not worry about the next moment.” It seems impossible for me to not worry about the next seizure, the next symptom, the next step. Other times, it is the most difficult task no to worry about the far-off tomorrow. Will I be able to work again? Will these seizures diminish? Will I be around to watch my daughter grow into a woman? Just writing these questions causes worry in my heart.
And so, our great Lord has brought this verse to me time and time again. ‘Elizabeth, do not worry about the next second, hour, tomorrow.’ This word from Him often is followed by a reminder that He is sovereign Lord overall, and He is good.
In the preceding verses in Matthew 6, Jesus speaks about how the Lord provides food for the birds of the air and beautiful attire for the lilies of the field. He says, “If this is how God cares for birds and flowers, will He not take care of you, Are you not of much more value than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” The Lord is indeed both sovereign and good.
And so, when the worry rises, when the fear takes hold, I am learning to open my hands and heart and give these worries and fears to the God of the universe.
The other evening, when I could not sleep, as I cannot now, I was drawn to Psalm 31. In the Psalm, David laments, he cries out to the Father: “But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God. My times are in Your hands.” (Psalm 31:14-15)
Jesus knew the tomorrow of pain and sacrifice, but He also knew the tomorrow of the resurrection, “for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2. When He would rise, the Victor over death and the payment for our sins. And with this blessed knowledge planted in my heart through faith and true power of the Holy Spirit, I will not worry about tomorrow. And so, I rest, as I imagine Jesus did in the knowledge that my times are in God’s hands. Every moment, second, tomorrow, year; every step is in His precious, perfect, sovereign and good hands.
Epiblogue (that’s an epilogue in blog format)
I wrote this blog about two weeks ago. Since that time I have been to the emergency room twice, once for an allergic reaction to a seizure medication and the other for dehydration. I have stopped taking one of my seizure medications which led to six seizures in the past eight days. I have a constant pre-seizure like feeling in my right arm which sometimes shoots down my right leg. I have contracted pink eye. Generally, I feel bombarded with more worry rather than less. It is difficult for me to post this blog without being brutally honest, that worry and fear hedge me in on every side. I am exhausted with these feelings and most of the words that come from my lips or arise in my thoughts are prayers. This seems like a dark season within a dark season. But God reminds me that He is the Maker – He made the sun, moon, stars and He made me. He knows the inner workings of the grey matter in my head and the inner workings of my soul and spirit. And He is good and sovereign Lord of all.
Honestly,
EJB
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them; Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour of his life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and Hs righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
There is much for me to worry about these days. Fear wells up inside me and I indeed worry about tomorrow. I know other young people who are currently battling cancer or have battled it and I am sure worry and fear have risen up in the pits of their stomachs as they have in mine.
But Jesus tells us in the Matthew passage not to worry about tomorrow. I marvel at this because Jesus knew tomorrow, Jesus knew His future included the cup of the wrath of God being poured out on Him at the Cross. Jesus knew that He would be separated from God the Father and the Holy Spirit for the first time in infinity when He breathed His last on Calvary. How could Jesus, who knew the agony ahead, tell us not to worry about tomorrow? When He knew what eventual tomorrow would bring to Himself?
Sometimes on this journey God breaks down the phrase, “do not worry about tomorrow” to “do not worry about the next moment.” It seems impossible for me to not worry about the next seizure, the next symptom, the next step. Other times, it is the most difficult task no to worry about the far-off tomorrow. Will I be able to work again? Will these seizures diminish? Will I be around to watch my daughter grow into a woman? Just writing these questions causes worry in my heart.
And so, our great Lord has brought this verse to me time and time again. ‘Elizabeth, do not worry about the next second, hour, tomorrow.’ This word from Him often is followed by a reminder that He is sovereign Lord overall, and He is good.
In the preceding verses in Matthew 6, Jesus speaks about how the Lord provides food for the birds of the air and beautiful attire for the lilies of the field. He says, “If this is how God cares for birds and flowers, will He not take care of you, Are you not of much more value than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” The Lord is indeed both sovereign and good.
And so, when the worry rises, when the fear takes hold, I am learning to open my hands and heart and give these worries and fears to the God of the universe.
The other evening, when I could not sleep, as I cannot now, I was drawn to Psalm 31. In the Psalm, David laments, he cries out to the Father: “But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God. My times are in Your hands.” (Psalm 31:14-15)
Jesus knew the tomorrow of pain and sacrifice, but He also knew the tomorrow of the resurrection, “for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2. When He would rise, the Victor over death and the payment for our sins. And with this blessed knowledge planted in my heart through faith and true power of the Holy Spirit, I will not worry about tomorrow. And so, I rest, as I imagine Jesus did in the knowledge that my times are in God’s hands. Every moment, second, tomorrow, year; every step is in His precious, perfect, sovereign and good hands.
Epiblogue (that’s an epilogue in blog format)
I wrote this blog about two weeks ago. Since that time I have been to the emergency room twice, once for an allergic reaction to a seizure medication and the other for dehydration. I have stopped taking one of my seizure medications which led to six seizures in the past eight days. I have a constant pre-seizure like feeling in my right arm which sometimes shoots down my right leg. I have contracted pink eye. Generally, I feel bombarded with more worry rather than less. It is difficult for me to post this blog without being brutally honest, that worry and fear hedge me in on every side. I am exhausted with these feelings and most of the words that come from my lips or arise in my thoughts are prayers. This seems like a dark season within a dark season. But God reminds me that He is the Maker – He made the sun, moon, stars and He made me. He knows the inner workings of the grey matter in my head and the inner workings of my soul and spirit. And He is good and sovereign Lord of all.
Honestly,
EJB
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Be Strong and Courageous
Joshua 1:6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
What does it mean to be afraid even with the sure understanding that God is with you?
Having a seizure for the first time was the most frightening experience. A total fear gripped me even as my brain misfired and malfunctioned. I couldn't control my right side - my arm and leg shook, my vision was completely disoriented, my heart raced. I felt as if I was frozen and couldn't move. I knew something was very wrong. My neuro-oncologist warned me that seizures were likely - a 50/50 chance of happening due to the tumor. There would be no warning, no call to attention, it would just occur, if it occured at all.
When it happened I was immobilized and filled with great fear.
God is sovereign and that includes timing, though He is outside of time. That first day I was in the car, with Lucia and had just pulled into the Walmart parking lot to pick up a friend. The seizure hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew I needed to park and get help immediately and was able to do so. God's perfect timing. I was able to call Chris who came to the car shortly thereafter. When Chris arrived he didn't know what was happened. "Chris, something is wrong. I need an ambulance. Is Lucia okay?" Chris reassured me that Lulu was just fine and he ran into Walmart. Somewhere inside he asked for a call to 911 and again, in God's perfect timing, an EMT was in the same vicinity. This wonderful man came out to the car and started talking to me, comforting me until the ambulance arrived.
For the next hour and a half, until I went unconscious or was too drugged to know better, I thought I was dying. I was seizing pretty severely for quite sometime. I remember saying "Please Jesus" over and over again. I was seeking my Savior in my darkest hour.
When Joshua was sent by the Lord into the promised land, God told him at least three times "Be Strong and Very Courageous". This five word command must have been told to Joshua because he was feeling weak and very afraid. In an odd way I am comforted in knowing that the man God put in charge of His people, needed such strong words of encouragement. I laugh because thinking about the people in the Bible, many need such words. God, Jesus, the Angels say - Do Not Be Afraid - over and over again. To Joshua, to Mary, to Joseph and so many others. And so, when my Pastor presented these words to me as I lay in the hospital - Be Strong and Very Courageous - I latched on. They continue to be daily stepping stones for me in this darkest of hours. EJB
What does it mean to be afraid even with the sure understanding that God is with you?
Having a seizure for the first time was the most frightening experience. A total fear gripped me even as my brain misfired and malfunctioned. I couldn't control my right side - my arm and leg shook, my vision was completely disoriented, my heart raced. I felt as if I was frozen and couldn't move. I knew something was very wrong. My neuro-oncologist warned me that seizures were likely - a 50/50 chance of happening due to the tumor. There would be no warning, no call to attention, it would just occur, if it occured at all.
When it happened I was immobilized and filled with great fear.
God is sovereign and that includes timing, though He is outside of time. That first day I was in the car, with Lucia and had just pulled into the Walmart parking lot to pick up a friend. The seizure hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew I needed to park and get help immediately and was able to do so. God's perfect timing. I was able to call Chris who came to the car shortly thereafter. When Chris arrived he didn't know what was happened. "Chris, something is wrong. I need an ambulance. Is Lucia okay?" Chris reassured me that Lulu was just fine and he ran into Walmart. Somewhere inside he asked for a call to 911 and again, in God's perfect timing, an EMT was in the same vicinity. This wonderful man came out to the car and started talking to me, comforting me until the ambulance arrived.
For the next hour and a half, until I went unconscious or was too drugged to know better, I thought I was dying. I was seizing pretty severely for quite sometime. I remember saying "Please Jesus" over and over again. I was seeking my Savior in my darkest hour.
When Joshua was sent by the Lord into the promised land, God told him at least three times "Be Strong and Very Courageous". This five word command must have been told to Joshua because he was feeling weak and very afraid. In an odd way I am comforted in knowing that the man God put in charge of His people, needed such strong words of encouragement. I laugh because thinking about the people in the Bible, many need such words. God, Jesus, the Angels say - Do Not Be Afraid - over and over again. To Joshua, to Mary, to Joseph and so many others. And so, when my Pastor presented these words to me as I lay in the hospital - Be Strong and Very Courageous - I latched on. They continue to be daily stepping stones for me in this darkest of hours. EJB
Sunday, August 2, 2009
What have you done?
None can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?"
34At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever,
for his dominion is an everlasting dominion,
and his kingdom endures from generation to generation;
35all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,
and he does according to his will among the host of heaven
and among the inhabitants of the earth;
and none can stay his hand
or say to him, "What have you done?"
Daniel 4:34-35
Nebuchadnezzar had it all. God gave him wealth, power, influence, he was a king with everything at his fingertips. The prophet Daniel told Nebuchadnezzar “You have become great and strong; your greatness has grown until it reaches the sky, and your dominion extends to distant parts of the earth”. But Neb was warned that if he failed to acknowledge the Lord’s blessing and heaven’s rule in his life all would be taken from him.
And all was taken from him, Neb proclaimed his own greatness, his own splendor and his own hand in the majesty of his kingdom. Before the words left his lips Nebuchadnezzar fell into insanity, he crawled on the ground, ate grass like cattle, and was driven away from his people for many years. The passage above from Daniel quotes Nebuchadnezzar as he is lifted from his insanity. He acknowledges the Lord’s hand in all things. Nebuchadnezzar, who had it all and then had nothing, declared that no one can ask the Lord, “What have you done?”
Job was another man who had everything and then had nothing. He too stated, “Behold, he (the Lord) snatches away; who can turn him back? Who will say to him, ‘What are you doing?’” Job 9:12.
In some ways at this time I feel like Nebuchadnezzar or Job. God has blessed me with all I could ever have asked for: a great family, an education, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and a sweet child. I cannot fathom a more contented life. As Nebuchadnezzar stated, I too state, I am contented and prosperous. But now I am struck with this illness, this…cancer. When this passage was brought to my attention I embraced it because we cannot ask the Lord, I AM, “what have you done?” Or “what are you doing?” His control knows no limits, there is no boundary for his step, so how can we sit back and ask him to justify? I don’t mean to say that I haven’t asked “Why?” a thousand times already; or been uncertain as to His plan for this season of my life, of our lives. I have and I do. But in acknowledging that He is I AM, I feel comfort and security. God as I AM holds no restraint. It means He fulfills every thing. I AM fills me with great hope, joy, thankfulness. I AM means I am in control, I am every present, I am constant and unchanging, I am fulfillment, I am love. God being all things and everything takes the burden out of cancer, out of the fight. For if God is with me, if the great I AM is on my side, than I am already victorious and I have strength that knows no measure. To be honest, this concept is a daily challenge to embrace because it is hard to be human and suffering. But moment by moment, minute by minute I try to remember that the great I AM is with me and I stay my voice from asking, what have you done?
The brain tumor group at the University of Minnesota spent last Monday discussing the biopsy results and what therapy they would suggest. As you have already seen the pathologist determined that my initially diagnosed benign Grade 2 glioma is now a Grade 3, meaning malignancy…meaning cancer. The dreaded word passed my lips on Monday when the neuro-oncologist met with Jonathan and I to suggest treatment options. Right now we await a second opinion from a second pathologist – to see if two really smart people reach the same conclusion about what the cells look like and what that means for me. The treatment suggested includes radiation and chemotherapy. Both would last six weeks, with me taking a chemo pill once a day for 42 days, and receiving radiation therapy 5 days a week. Mostly the doctors expect me to be very tired by the end of it all, but with a little help (or a lot!) from friends and family I should emerge in a better position. It may be a long road ahead of us, and right now we just feel really weird about the whole situation. But God is good and I remain filled with His peace which surpasses all understanding. More to come…With Love, Elizabeth
34At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever,
for his dominion is an everlasting dominion,
and his kingdom endures from generation to generation;
35all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,
and he does according to his will among the host of heaven
and among the inhabitants of the earth;
and none can stay his hand
or say to him, "What have you done?"
Daniel 4:34-35
Nebuchadnezzar had it all. God gave him wealth, power, influence, he was a king with everything at his fingertips. The prophet Daniel told Nebuchadnezzar “You have become great and strong; your greatness has grown until it reaches the sky, and your dominion extends to distant parts of the earth”. But Neb was warned that if he failed to acknowledge the Lord’s blessing and heaven’s rule in his life all would be taken from him.
And all was taken from him, Neb proclaimed his own greatness, his own splendor and his own hand in the majesty of his kingdom. Before the words left his lips Nebuchadnezzar fell into insanity, he crawled on the ground, ate grass like cattle, and was driven away from his people for many years. The passage above from Daniel quotes Nebuchadnezzar as he is lifted from his insanity. He acknowledges the Lord’s hand in all things. Nebuchadnezzar, who had it all and then had nothing, declared that no one can ask the Lord, “What have you done?”
Job was another man who had everything and then had nothing. He too stated, “Behold, he (the Lord) snatches away; who can turn him back? Who will say to him, ‘What are you doing?’” Job 9:12.
In some ways at this time I feel like Nebuchadnezzar or Job. God has blessed me with all I could ever have asked for: a great family, an education, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and a sweet child. I cannot fathom a more contented life. As Nebuchadnezzar stated, I too state, I am contented and prosperous. But now I am struck with this illness, this…cancer. When this passage was brought to my attention I embraced it because we cannot ask the Lord, I AM, “what have you done?” Or “what are you doing?” His control knows no limits, there is no boundary for his step, so how can we sit back and ask him to justify? I don’t mean to say that I haven’t asked “Why?” a thousand times already; or been uncertain as to His plan for this season of my life, of our lives. I have and I do. But in acknowledging that He is I AM, I feel comfort and security. God as I AM holds no restraint. It means He fulfills every thing. I AM fills me with great hope, joy, thankfulness. I AM means I am in control, I am every present, I am constant and unchanging, I am fulfillment, I am love. God being all things and everything takes the burden out of cancer, out of the fight. For if God is with me, if the great I AM is on my side, than I am already victorious and I have strength that knows no measure. To be honest, this concept is a daily challenge to embrace because it is hard to be human and suffering. But moment by moment, minute by minute I try to remember that the great I AM is with me and I stay my voice from asking, what have you done?
The brain tumor group at the University of Minnesota spent last Monday discussing the biopsy results and what therapy they would suggest. As you have already seen the pathologist determined that my initially diagnosed benign Grade 2 glioma is now a Grade 3, meaning malignancy…meaning cancer. The dreaded word passed my lips on Monday when the neuro-oncologist met with Jonathan and I to suggest treatment options. Right now we await a second opinion from a second pathologist – to see if two really smart people reach the same conclusion about what the cells look like and what that means for me. The treatment suggested includes radiation and chemotherapy. Both would last six weeks, with me taking a chemo pill once a day for 42 days, and receiving radiation therapy 5 days a week. Mostly the doctors expect me to be very tired by the end of it all, but with a little help (or a lot!) from friends and family I should emerge in a better position. It may be a long road ahead of us, and right now we just feel really weird about the whole situation. But God is good and I remain filled with His peace which surpasses all understanding. More to come…With Love, Elizabeth
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Whether By Life or Death
“Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.[d] 20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.”
Philippians 1:18b-26
I was drawn to this passage this morning by mere coincidence, insomuch as the verse of the day on Biblegateway.com was Philippians 1:6 - which I read and then expanded to read the whole chapter. In this letter to the Philippians, Paul contemplates his current imprisonment for preaching the Gospel. He anticipates a possible death sentence (which he eventually received) for his work. But he is not shaken, in fact he yearns for death that he might be united with Christ. Paul writes that he is certain he will live because “it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body…and will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in faith.” Paul does not wish to remain because he is afraid of death, on the contrary he is certain he will remain for the continued spreading of the Word and for the increased joy in Christ Jesus that others may receive.
I think this passage had particular impact on me today because of the upcoming biopsy of my brain tumor. Since I got pregnant I have spent little time dwelling on the tumor, its consequences, and treatment. But now that the biopsy is scheduled for July 20th, I cannot help but think about life and death. I know that when I pass, however and whenever that may be, I will be received in Heaven by Christ and will be infinitely filled with joy. And while this is a great comfort to me now, I am saddened by the prospect of leaving others behind. I cannot bear the thought of leaving Lucia and Jonathan and my family and friends for I know they will mourn. I feel as though if I die I will abandon those I love and who love me. And so the question Paul poses to himself, I answer. Yes, to depart and be with Christ is better by far. But to me what feels more necessary is to stay and live and raise my daughter, and love my husband.
Perhaps the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, cries out to change my heart to be more like Paul – that I will live to spread “joy in the faith” and increase in those around me their “joy in Christ Jesus.” That I live not for Lucia, or Jonathan, or me, or you, but that I live for Christ for to Live Is Christ.
I realize that for some of you this is the first you have heard of my brain tumor. I apologize if this is a difficult way to learn about such a diagnosis but please rest assured that I am well and in good hands. The tumor, which is the size of a large egg, was discovered at the ER on May 27, 2008. I went in for a headache and left the hospital several days later with a diagnosis of a Grade 2 glioma in the front left lobe of my brain. This is a good diagnosis, as far as brain tumors go, because it is currently benign and not causing me any problems aside from the headaches. The biopsy of the tumor is designed to determine the exact nature of the cells and then have my medical team put together a suggested treatment schedule. For better or worse, it cannot be removed due to its location near my speech and language functions. I have not had any symptoms that I associate with the tumor aside from some extreme headaches, and even they have subsided considerably since I got pregnant with Lulu.
God is good, He has taken incredible care of me. I am confident He chose to show me this tumor now as opposed to any other time in my life, past or present, and that He has purpose. I have always held dear to my heart Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans with a hope and a future. I cling now to that verse as much as I ever had and believe the Lord has great things in store for me. And I pray that as Paul, I “will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”
Elizabeth
Philippians 1:18b-26
I was drawn to this passage this morning by mere coincidence, insomuch as the verse of the day on Biblegateway.com was Philippians 1:6 - which I read and then expanded to read the whole chapter. In this letter to the Philippians, Paul contemplates his current imprisonment for preaching the Gospel. He anticipates a possible death sentence (which he eventually received) for his work. But he is not shaken, in fact he yearns for death that he might be united with Christ. Paul writes that he is certain he will live because “it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body…and will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in faith.” Paul does not wish to remain because he is afraid of death, on the contrary he is certain he will remain for the continued spreading of the Word and for the increased joy in Christ Jesus that others may receive.
I think this passage had particular impact on me today because of the upcoming biopsy of my brain tumor. Since I got pregnant I have spent little time dwelling on the tumor, its consequences, and treatment. But now that the biopsy is scheduled for July 20th, I cannot help but think about life and death. I know that when I pass, however and whenever that may be, I will be received in Heaven by Christ and will be infinitely filled with joy. And while this is a great comfort to me now, I am saddened by the prospect of leaving others behind. I cannot bear the thought of leaving Lucia and Jonathan and my family and friends for I know they will mourn. I feel as though if I die I will abandon those I love and who love me. And so the question Paul poses to himself, I answer. Yes, to depart and be with Christ is better by far. But to me what feels more necessary is to stay and live and raise my daughter, and love my husband.
Perhaps the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, cries out to change my heart to be more like Paul – that I will live to spread “joy in the faith” and increase in those around me their “joy in Christ Jesus.” That I live not for Lucia, or Jonathan, or me, or you, but that I live for Christ for to Live Is Christ.
I realize that for some of you this is the first you have heard of my brain tumor. I apologize if this is a difficult way to learn about such a diagnosis but please rest assured that I am well and in good hands. The tumor, which is the size of a large egg, was discovered at the ER on May 27, 2008. I went in for a headache and left the hospital several days later with a diagnosis of a Grade 2 glioma in the front left lobe of my brain. This is a good diagnosis, as far as brain tumors go, because it is currently benign and not causing me any problems aside from the headaches. The biopsy of the tumor is designed to determine the exact nature of the cells and then have my medical team put together a suggested treatment schedule. For better or worse, it cannot be removed due to its location near my speech and language functions. I have not had any symptoms that I associate with the tumor aside from some extreme headaches, and even they have subsided considerably since I got pregnant with Lulu.
God is good, He has taken incredible care of me. I am confident He chose to show me this tumor now as opposed to any other time in my life, past or present, and that He has purpose. I have always held dear to my heart Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans with a hope and a future. I cling now to that verse as much as I ever had and believe the Lord has great things in store for me. And I pray that as Paul, I “will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”
Elizabeth
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