A confession to God and
the world.
EJB September 20, 2013
My sin addictions. It is true, that in this life we are addicts,
in one form or another, because sin makes us addicts to something, to an idol
in our life that we worship. If we do
not worship the Lord our God with all our heart, with all our soul, with all
our mind, and with all our strength then we worship something else. We idolize something else, and the addiction
occurs. Even a good can become an
addiction.
I confess my sin
addictions before God and man. I am
addicted to the past. The good in the
past or perhaps what I perceive as the good in the past. I look back over and over again, yearning for
what is behind. Looking back to see,
like Lot’s wife…hoping there was something there that I can bring forward to me
in the present. The present which is
difficult and full of strife and hardship and isn't what I perceive the past to
be. Summiting a 14,060 foot peak on the
Continental Divide, skiing down black runs at Winter Park and double blacks at
Vail. Looking across a vast expanse at
Grand Targhee, the beautiful snow surrounding me, the quiet swish of skis,
great mountain peaks far off in the distance.
I reach back into my past and hear incredible music playing, me singing,
the smells of Jameson and Budweiser and buds of another kind. I see, hear, smell only the promise of
happiness. Even in the library at law
school or the high school cafeteria, I anticipate only good grades and cheerful
chatter.
This is my sin of seeking the
past for the present. It is not just
looking back at the good old days, it is a
deep lust for my image of what was
to be what is. And that
is the idolization in my behavior. That is an addiction to what “was”. And I am confessing my sin now and asking
forgiveness and praying for a renewed mind, soul, spirit, heart where my aim is
to seek Jesus’ face in the present, now.
To find my solace and joy in Him alone; my beauty, my comfort, my
happiness, my love, my desire in Christ alone.
For like the lilies of the field and the birds of the air we are here
for but a season. But unlike the plants
of the field and animals of the ground, God so deeply loves us that he seeks to
be one with us, to know us, to love us, to lead us now, eternally.
My second addiction. It is a deep desire to seek out my plan for the future. I am grasping for a mere thread of what would
be my plan for the future, while I
know the remaining strings of that same rope are pulling me under the ocean. Meanwhile, Jesus full of Grace, stands upon
the water saying “Peter (Elizabeth), take my hand.” I pick and choose from the future and say, “this is what I want, this is where I want to be, this is what I want to be doing, going,
seeing, hearing, attending, feeling, touching, tasting, growing in, learning.
Me, Me, ME, Mine, Mine, MINE, Now, Now, NOW!”
It is a tragic formation of my thoughts, an addiction to the opposite
end of the spectrum – an impossible future, my
picture of it. No seizures, no health
problems, a perfect marriage, no crises, a beautiful home with beautiful things
set beautifully on the table.
I sin, I
idolize my own perfectionist idea of
how the future should look and how it
should look now. But Jesus reminds
me, there is a future, with a great table, beautifully adorned, and there will
be a mansion prepared just for me where there will be no more mourning, no more
crying, no more sickness, where He will wipe away every tear. Where an apple will taste more like any apple
I have ever eaten, and the truffle chips at La Belle Vie with a glass of Champagne will pale in comparison to the choicest fruit prepared at
the marriage supper of the Lamb. Oh what
a fool I am to be addicted to grasping at the future for my own fool’s
plans. Oh, to sin so ravenously as to
think that my way is better than His, to think that I have a better plan. Oh, forgive me Father. And thank you for forgiving me.
May I run to the Bridegroom, stay safely in His arms, look upon His face, allow Him to presently
wipe away each tear, and enter into my heart so fully that these sins will
disintegrate to dust, be washed away, and return no more.
