Whether By Life or Death

“Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.[d] 20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.”
Philippians 1:18b-26

I was drawn to this passage this morning by mere coincidence, insomuch as the verse of the day on Biblegateway.com was Philippians 1:6 - which I read and then expanded to read the whole chapter. In this letter to the Philippians, Paul contemplates his current imprisonment for preaching the Gospel. He anticipates a possible death sentence (which he eventually received) for his work. But he is not shaken, in fact he yearns for death that he might be united with Christ. Paul writes that he is certain he will live because “it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body…and will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in faith.” Paul does not wish to remain because he is afraid of death, on the contrary he is certain he will remain for the continued spreading of the Word and for the increased joy in Christ Jesus that others may receive.

I think this passage had particular impact on me today because of the upcoming biopsy of my brain tumor. Since I got pregnant I have spent little time dwelling on the tumor, its consequences, and treatment. But now that the biopsy is scheduled for July 20th, I cannot help but think about life and death. I know that when I pass, however and whenever that may be, I will be received in Heaven by Christ and will be infinitely filled with joy. And while this is a great comfort to me now, I am saddened by the prospect of leaving others behind. I cannot bear the thought of leaving Lucia and Jonathan and my family and friends for I know they will mourn. I feel as though if I die I will abandon those I love and who love me. And so the question Paul poses to himself, I answer. Yes, to depart and be with Christ is better by far. But to me what feels more necessary is to stay and live and raise my daughter, and love my husband.
Perhaps the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, cries out to change my heart to be more like Paul – that I will live to spread “joy in the faith” and increase in those around me their “joy in Christ Jesus.” That I live not for Lucia, or Jonathan, or me, or you, but that I live for Christ for to Live Is Christ.


I realize that for some of you this is the first you have heard of my brain tumor. I apologize if this is a difficult way to learn about such a diagnosis but please rest assured that I am well and in good hands. The tumor, which is the size of a large egg, was discovered at the ER on May 27, 2008. I went in for a headache and left the hospital several days later with a diagnosis of a Grade 2 glioma in the front left lobe of my brain. This is a good diagnosis, as far as brain tumors go, because it is currently benign and not causing me any problems aside from the headaches. The biopsy of the tumor is designed to determine the exact nature of the cells and then have my medical team put together a suggested treatment schedule. For better or worse, it cannot be removed due to its location near my speech and language functions. I have not had any symptoms that I associate with the tumor aside from some extreme headaches, and even they have subsided considerably since I got pregnant with Lulu.
God is good, He has taken incredible care of me. I am confident He chose to show me this tumor now as opposed to any other time in my life, past or present, and that He has purpose. I have always held dear to my heart Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans with a hope and a future. I cling now to that verse as much as I ever had and believe the Lord has great things in store for me. And I pray that as Paul, I “will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”
Elizabeth